I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
