would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
