i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
