There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
