i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
