I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
