so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
