She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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