drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
