I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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