I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
