I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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