I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
