Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize