i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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