Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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