I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
