If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
