I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
