when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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