I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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