Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
