A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
