I met the friendliest cop last night
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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