hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize