I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
