I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
