I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
