Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
