I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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