hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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