i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
