sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
