Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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