so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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