WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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