she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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