4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He shit in the fireplace
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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