I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
