I got her a Nickelback box set.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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