I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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