If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
