Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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