i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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