does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize