I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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