I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
