Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Randomize
