Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize