I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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