Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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