Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
