Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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