Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
