I think my fart just growled at me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize