I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
