then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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