Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
