a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
