i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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