You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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