I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize