wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
