Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
