I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
