i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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