can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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