Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
