i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
