watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
