Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We need to get me chipped asap
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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