Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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