separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
