mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
