you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
