you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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