It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
