is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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