Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
